Here is a very, very silly story I originally wrote on twitter, for Halloween 2013. It's a story of monstrosity and redemption, set in the cold and darkness of the high alps. It has a very frightening twist, that might shock more fragile readers. Read on if you dare...
Once there was a town up in the attic of the world, where the air is thin, and snow crackles under a sky like deep water.
A man was leaving this town with just a bottle and an old blanket, his tears turning into icy slivers as the wind danced past him.
“I’ve been a devil and a fool” he wailed into the flurry of the mountain pass. “I’ve lost my family’s trust! However now shall I win it back?”
“Here’s a place for those who’ve failed and been cast out” whispered the pooling shadows. “You’ll not find comfort here, but you’ll find company.”
The man glugged from his chipped bottle, and squinted at the gloom. Everyone knew there were no people living out past the old town watchtower – so who was this?
“You know who I am” came the voice, like wet velvet on the man's neck.
“I’m an exile, like you" it said. "I’ve been loathed all my life; held under suspicion and fear since ever there were people to loathe me.”
“I’m the rattle of pebbles on a still night, the cracking of ice on an empty lake. I’m the hairs that twitch on the nape of your neck as you turn your back to the dark. I’m…”
“The Yeti” squeaked the man, dropping his bottle as two vast, glowing orbs appeared in the dark before him.
“Vroom” said the ŠKODA Yeti, as it roared forth into the pass, striking the perfect balance between on-road performance, family orientated practicality and rugged 4x4 styling.
With a choice of two- or four-wheel drive systems on both diesel and petrol engines, as well as flexible Varioflex rear seating, sizable boot space and higher ride height as standard, it was perfect for life among the ancient stones.
“Drive me into town” roared the Yeti with gasoline gusto, “and we shall make a right from two wrongs. Do this one thing for me, and we can make an end to both our exiles.”
Trembling, the man climbed in, and began to steer the mighty vehicle back towards the lights of town.
At the mere push of the off-road button, the Yeti turned into a highly capable off-road vehicle, adept at climbing slippery slopes, descending steep hills and maintaining control on difficult terrain using the very latest 4x4 systems.
The mayor of town, disgraced TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson, gasped in disbelief as he saw the metal monster skid to a halt in the town square. “Sound the alarms!” he cried. “It’s that rubbish Czech car again – run it out of town!”
“No!” cried the man, holding a hand out in pleading as he scrambled from the driver’s seat. “It’s actually really good, and the ŠKODA brand has come a long way from its old reputation for unreliability. Have a go for yourself!”
Clarkson hesitated, a bleak frown on his face, before reluctantly climbing in. Minutes passed as the snow tickled the windscreen.
“It is good”, he exclaimed finally in disbelief, as he noticed how the cabin was spacious, airy and flexible, yet contained a variety of standard features.
Astounded to the brink of tears, the usually unpleasant mayor named the vehicle Top Gear Family Car of the Year 2009, and invited it to stay in the town forever and ever.
“I knew you would see past your prejudices and learn not to hate the Yeti” purred the offroad family vehicle.
“And I knew you would find a stylish and practical alternative to traditional family hatchbacks," cried the man’s wife, throwing her arms around her husband and gushing forgiveness. "It handles brilliantly, too,” she added.
And so the Yeti won the trust of the motoring world, and the man found his way back into the hearts of his family. All for a reasonable £13,595 on a 3-year 0% interest hire purchase agreement.